Keep It Shut: What to Say, How to Say It, and When to Say Nothing at All

James 3:2 says, “We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.” What I hear James saying is that even if it were possible to be perfect in every other area of our life, our faultless record would be shattered the moment we opened our mouth.

Sometimes I get too satisfied with my mouth. When I hear angry words spoken by someone other than myself, or cruel gossip, or political mudslinging, I get the idea I’m not so bad. But then the Holy Spirit reveals a snarky comment I made or the unkind tone in my voice or an attitude that slipped out intending to shine a bad light on someone. It was during one of these times of awareness that I came across the book Keep It Shut: What to Say, How to Say it, and When to Say Nothing at All by Karen Ehman.

Karen is an author and speaker with Proverbs 31 Ministries. Her insight into our tongue troubles comes from scripture. She uses biblical characters and her own experiences to make her points clear and relatable. She writes with spiritual wisdom and humor. The book has been enlightening and challenging.

The Power of the Tongue

The author begins appropriately with a chapter on the power of the tongue. Our words have the potential to damage relationships, ruin reputations, and tear churches apart. If we don’t realize the destruction just one angry blast or one unkind word can cause, we will not take action to change our dangerous speech habits.

The tongue has the power of life and death...  (Proverbs 18:21)

Luke says our words overflow from what is in our heart (Luke 6:45). Therefore, to learn to control our tongue Karen says we need to drill deeper, into our minds and hearts, because “words are first formed in our minds, filtered to our hearts, and then given permission to come out of our lips.” She stresses that we must take care of our heart by intentionally investing in our relationship with God—not only by daily time in prayer and in the Word, but also by remaining attentive throughout the day to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit as he urges us to refrain from saying certain things or to speak up when we want to remain silent.

James also says, “No man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8). It sounds like a futile endeavor. Yet God gives us much instruction. Karen says there are over 3,500 biblical references about our speech. Throughout the rest of the book, she uses many of them to teach us ways to tame our tongue.

Gracious Speech

Karen points out that we tend to be more careful in how we talk to non-family members than to those in our home. However, grace should permeate our communication with everyone. Jesus is our greatest example.

All spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips…  (Luke 4:22)

The life of Joseph (Genesis 37-50) illustrates a negative and several positive ways to communicate. When Joseph was young, God gave him dreams in which his entire family bowed down to him. When he shared them, it didn’t go over well—with his siblings or his parents. Speaking the truth should not be the only consideration when we open our mouth. Do we have pride issues that lead us to brag? Or maybe we just don’t think about how even truthful words might hurt someone.

After his brothers sold him to slave traders, though, Joseph seemed to mature and become a better role model in the verbal department. We see him choosing words that honored God rather than saying what people wanted to hear, giving credit to God when people tried to exalt him, forgiving his brothers rather than retaliating for the evil way they treated him, and speaking to his brothers with grace.

Filling the Gap or Listening

From an early age, Karen was a gap filler in every conversation. Give her a few seconds of silence and she had plenty of words ready to spill out. Later on in small group Bible studies she wondered why many of the other ladies didn’t participate. When she realized her lack of verbal restraint was the reason, she began to rein in her tongue. Now she responds only about every third time she has something to say. She also practices pausing before she speaks in any conversation to give others an opening.

…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  (James 1:19)

Karen has discovered that when she talks too much, not only is she not listening to the other person, she’s not listening to God, which prevents her from hearing what he wants to tell her concerning her responses to others.

Talk to God First

When we have a concern, do we roll it around in our mind trying to figure out what to do? Do we call up a friend to get some advice? Why is consulting God often our last resort? Karen has observed that people who process their life in conversation with God will more often use wisdom and restraint in their conversations with everyone else.

Gossip and Hearsay

Gossip and hearsay are both destructive, painting the victim in a bad light. Karen refers to hearsay as gossip’s first cousin. We feel more secure in spreading it since no one knows where it started and it can’t be traced back to us.

She gives tips on how to stop gossiping. If you hang around with gossips, you’re more likely to join in, so avoid them (Proverbs 20:19). Refuse to participate; others may not gossip so much if you respond with silence. Promise someone you won’t talk about their situation to anyone but them and God; it’s hard to go back on a promise. And finally, remember that God hears all our words.

Karen uses David as an example of how to respond if we are on the receiving end of gossip. From Psalm 31, in which he laments the evil treatment he has received, we can see three actions he takes. David ran to the Lord for protection and rest rather than try to defend his own reputation (Psalm 31:1). David rejoiced in his relationship with God, knowing joy wouldn’t come from things or status (Psalm 31:7). David trusted God rather than retaliate because he knew the world was watching and would see God in his situation (Psalm 31:19).

People Pleasing

The opposite of gossip is flattery, which is the purest form of people pleasing. Whereas gossip is saying something behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face, flattery is saying something to someone’s face you wouldn’t say behind their back, basically because you don’t believe it. We do it perhaps thinking we’ll make the other person feel good, but often we are seeking their approval so we’ll feel good about ourselves. Paul said,

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”  (Galatians 1:10)

King Herod Antipas is a picture of people pleasing in the tragic death of John the Baptist (Matthew 14:1-12). His directives were driven by the wishes of his wife, the crowds, and his dinner guests. From the story, Karen sees several lessons for conquering the problem of flattery in our lives: avoid making promises to impress someone; take time to think and pray about a request instead of responding to it immediately; run all your plans through God so they will bring glory to him.

Other topics Karen discusses are examining the motives behind our words, knowing when to remain silent, containing our anger, controlling what we say on social media, and seasoning our speech with salt.

Since all our tongue problems are truly heart problems, I was pleased that the author circled back. To align our heart with the heart of Jesus, we need to spend time with him, and Karen shares some creative ways to do that in her final chapter.

If my heart was full and overflowing with only the goodness of God, my mouth would not be a problem; grace would flow naturally. But since that isn’t the case, I need help—the kind David prayed for:

Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.  (Psalm 141:3)

Keep It Shut is a great book for anyone who sometimes regrets the words that escape their lips or digital tongue or who desires to understand the importance God places on their words. Karen Ehman offers solid biblical teachings, practical advice, and suggestions that help the reader examine how they use their tongue and assist them in taming it.

Scripture quotations are from NIV.

Quotation other than scripture is from Keep It Shut.

Feature photo by Brian Wangenheim on Unsplash